I overheard a conversation the other night between two guys boasting about the best pranks they’ve ever committed, which brought back to mind the best pranks I’ve ever pulled…
… but yet, those pale in comparison to some of the most heinous, diabolical pranks…
… ever pulled on me.
Let’s talk about those.
Two come to mind, in fact:
1) One my older brother Trey pulled on me when we were kids.
2) One that a high school football teammate pulled on me… in front of a ‘specific’ crowd.
I’ll get to that. But first…
My older brother Trey thinks he is a funny guy. He actually is, but that’s beside the point…
I was nine, approaching 10. He was 13, approaching 14. It was summer of 1989. We’re at our Mom’s in Mooringsport, Louisiana, bored out of our minds, and ‘The Price is Right’ and ‘Supermarket Sweep’ just weren’t cutting it anymore.
‘The Young and the Restless’ wasn’t even an option. Wish there was a guitar around those days.
I was dying for WWF Monday Night Prime Time on the USA Network to get the latest update on Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior joining forces. Trey was hoping that ESPN might… just might… talk a bit about the New Orleans Saints’ minuscule chances of reaching the Super Bowl in 1990, led by the vaunted ‘Dome Patrol’ and the damaging rushing attack, led by Dalton Hilliard and Craig ‘Iron Head’ Heyward.
Didn’t even pop into our heads at that point that Joe Montana and the San Francisco 49ers went on to become, arguably, the best team in NFL history, next to the 1972 Miami Dolphins. I digress.
I’m thirsty, so I make some chocolate milk. But suddenly, I have to pee, so I go.
I come back to my self-earned pre-lunch treat, and notice there’s some red and brown ‘sprinkles’ in this chocolate milk.
How did they get there?
I didn’t do this. Not to mention, chocolate milk doesn’t ever have red and brown sprinkles in it.
I think nothing of it. I take a giant gulp of this deliciousness…
… only for it to have an awfully salty, spicy kick.
I spit it out, in disgust!
“Crap,” I yell… followed by the most egregious, sinister laugh I’ve ever heard, coming from the living room.
My asshole older brother sprinkled Tony Chachere’s in my chocolate milk.
You’d think he was the greatest comedian and prankster that had ever pulled the greatest comedy and prank of all time.
He still hasn’t apologized for that.
The undisputed heavyweight champion of pranks ever pulled on Yours Truly occurred on a sweltering, summer Louisiana day in August, 1996.
I was 17.
Somewhere stashed in the outer rim of my mind, I was sold on the idea I still had a chance of being the starting quarterback of Bossier City’s Airline High School Vikings.
I was the incumbent. ‘Next guy in line,’ rather. A junior. In great shape.
A ‘buck forty-five,’ sadly. But in great shape.
I made it a point to work as hard as I possibly could that summer - weights, cardio, diet - long before the idea of dedication of this magnitude would become a necessity to live. #ThisIs40
My teammates are nestled along one of the diesel-soaked sidelines on the practice field. My back is turned to them.
I ventured out early, warming up with ten-yard tosses to WR Erik Adams.
My mind is focused on wildly ambitious dreams of multiple Super Bowl trophies with the Saints. But I’m abruptly interrupted by the sight of the two hottest girls in school, jogging around the track that encompasses the practice field.
Now, I know it’s not proper PC etiquette to objectify girls as ‘hot’ in this day in age…
… but, Dude?
These girls were hot. Smoking hot! Even by current standards.
By the way… one of these two girls jogging the track went on to become a ‘Golden Girl’ at LSU, as well as a ‘Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader.’
Those ‘Super Bowl’ dreams became even more vivid, with those girls at my side, hugging and kissing each other at the podium while I hoisted the Lombardi Trophy in victory, as someone pulled my football pants to my ankles…
I quickly come back to reality.
I noticed a ‘draft’ towards my ‘nether region.’ And, for some reason, which I’ll never understand…
I kept throwing the ball.
Never threw better in my life than in those ten seconds. Never felt more free. Literally.
It wasn’t until Adams was doubled over in laughter that I noticed…
… my pants were down. All the way down.
And the two hottest girls in my world saw everything I, um… ‘had to offer.’
I slowly pull my pants back up in embarrassing fashion, only to see eventual starting RG Shawn David rolling on the ground in laughter, along with the rest of the team.
‘Pookie,’ I exclaimed! ‘You’re dead.’
I chased him around the field for a few seconds before tattooing the cross of that Rawlings PRO-5 pigskin square on his ass bone.
He missed a couple of practices for that, if I recall correctly.
I fumed for months. I also lost the starting quarterback job that season to a newcomer.
Plus, I assumed that I would never have a chance in Hell to go out with either of the two most beautiful girls I had ever seen at that point in my life.
I never did.
But at the Homecoming dance later that year…
… both girls, at separate moments, asked to dance with me.